I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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