my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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