all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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