Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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