1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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