I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
