i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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