the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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