I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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