dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
