I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
