He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
