Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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