In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
