Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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