She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
