You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
