so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
