While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
