my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
