Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
