I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
