My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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