sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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