i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
