just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How external is "for external use only"?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
