DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
