Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
