If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
