So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize