Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My vagina just clenched in fear
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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