There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
