Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
