I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize