I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
