I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
