I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
