I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
