her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My ass is underappreciated
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
