Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
