im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
