sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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