The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
