i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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