I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
