apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
