You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
