If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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