We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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