so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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