I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
