After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
