I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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