mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
