Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
