If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
