Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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