What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
