Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
