i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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