Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
