i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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