i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize