I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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