There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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